Thy Will Be Done

On Wednesday of last week I started spotting, so on Thursday morning, I called the midwife center (where I went when I was pregnant with Shaya) for the first time this pregnancy. They were able to get me in for a 1:00 appointment. Based on the first day of my last period, I was 10 1/2 weeks along, but the midwife was unable to hear a heartbeat using the little handheld tool thing. That, and the fact that I was spotting, was reason enough to send me to the hospital for an ultrasound and some other testing. By the time the ultrasound and tests were finished, the midwife office was closed, but one of the other midwives came to talk to me anyway. She said that the size of the gestational sac was 7 weeks, and although they couldn't detect a heartbeat in the ultrasound, that it might just be too early yet.

As requested, I went back to the hospital on Friday to discuss the ultrasound and bloodwork with my midwife. She talked to me about the ultrasound again and said that it looked to her like a blighted ovum, which means that a baby never formed, usually due to chromosomal abnormalities (more information, if you're interested: http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html). She was pretty sure I was going to have a miscarriage, but that if my 'spotting' slowed down or stopped, I should come back in the following week for another ultrasound. She was trying to be positive, but I could tell she didn't think that I'd be coming back in next week.

I woke up at 4:00am on Saturday with an actual labor pain. If I had been full term, this would have been the kind of pain that I woke Robert up for, saying, "it's time!" But, I knew what was happening...  The bleeding intensified and I spent the next several hours changing pads or sitting on the toilet, with intense labor pains happening regularly. When I first woke up, they were about 10 or 15 minutes apart, but by the time Robert woke up at 10:30, they were much closer together and the bleeding had continued unabated, and had included several large clots of tissue.

Robert called the midwives, but being a Saturday, the only one available was on call to deliver. She took 20 minutes to call back, and after Robert described the symptoms, she told him to get me to the emergency room immediately. So, we went... Labor pains were still pretty intense and close together in the car, but by that time I had finally taken a couple of extra strength Tylenol so the edge was taken from the pain a bit.

After a couple of hours of being there, the physician, after getting the results of my blood test, told me that my red blood cell count was low, but not dangerous, so that if I wanted to try letting the miscarriage happen on it's own (rather than having a D&C), I could. By that time my bleeding and pain and lessened considerably, so he decided not to do a blood transfusion (phew!). I was told to take it easy over the next few days and that if the bleeding did not slow way down or if I had any other symptoms (dizziness, nauseousness, or just a feeling that something might be wrong) that I was to come back. I agreed, and we got home at about 5 or 6 that night.

I was sore and very tired for the next couple of days, but otherwise, physically fine. The emotional parts were harder, but through prayer and discussions with Robert and my mom, I was comforted in knowing that this is all part of God's plan for me. I'm not sure why I had to get pregnant in the first place if a baby never formed, but I don't need to know the why's. Heavenly Father loves me and there was a reason for my miscarriage, whether I know what that reason is or not.

My mom had a miscarriage when I was around 12, and it's something I've thought about on and off over the years. Things like, "If the baby had lived, she would be 9 now" or whatever. I have no doubt that I'll have those kinds of thoughts this time around, as well. My due date would have been September 23rd, a week or so before Braelen's birthday. I'm sure that will be a bit of an emotional time for me, and I'm sure there will be other times, as well. But for now, I am doing better than I was earlier this week.